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November 10, 2007

Screwing over the wait staff...

So many articles and calculators out there for figuring out the appropriate tip for a good waiter.  So few guidelines on when to Stiff the wait staff in general.

We're here to help.

First - if it's a cafeteria, and the waiter basically brought you silverware or was only there to try to entice you with some desert that you didn't actually buy, the correct percentage tip is Zero.  No, wait, let's check that.  Yup.  Zero.

Now if your waiter actually did take an order and deliver food to your table, you have a series of questions to answer to figure out the right tip percentage.  We like the diminishing value method.  We start at 20 percent, and deduct 3 to 5 percent for every occasion of the following:

• Failed to arrive at table within five minutes
• Called us "Sweetie"
• Got the drink order wrong, and decided to take another drink order from another table before fixing our order
• Same as above for food, although  we penalize harder for the drink order
• Complained to us.  "It's so swamped here! We've got a big party in the back room."  If the restaurant can't handle the party and the walk-ins, they shouldn't take one or the other.  And yes, we take that out on the wait staff.  Remember, the waiter should suffer in silence, not try to get us on "his/her side."
• Appetizers/Salad/Entree arrive at the same time
• Late delivering the bill when we've told her we have tickets to the game.  This one's a dine-and-dash excuse by the way, with a note left behind for the manager
• Hovers over us while we calculate the tip
• Adds a tip ahead of time.  Kids, that one is illegal unless it's posted.  Even then it's in the shadowy space.  This one also sinks the tip to zero for us. 

Remember, unless you're paying above 15%, pay in cash.  Would you give someone you just stiffed a credit card number?  Oh, you have?  Well, think about that for a bit.

And, by the way, if more than half of the above happen in the same visit, we leave with a place setting or two in our pockets.

Glad to help.

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