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August 26, 2005

Say Halo

You know you have to worry when something seriously great on it's own is heading to Hollywood. No, really - they can fuck up the most amazingly simple things. 

Now we're not all that worried about the DOOM movie. The Rock is perfectly fine there, providing he doesn't get to use any of his "catch phrases." Hey Demon, can you smell what the nameless marine is cooking?"  Anyway, DOOM isn't that cohesive a story line anyway, it's already more of a amusement park ride.

But Halo is special. Halo is near perfection. Halo already has a great story line. Halo has a mysterious hero whose face we never see, and never want to.  How could they mess that up?  We can think of a few ways...

• Comic Sidekick - B rate standup guy who "tags along" with Master Chief and drops crazy lines about how dangerous everything is and how he's always about to die or how the Master Chief never says more than three words at a time. (Think Schneider in Judge Dredd.)
• Star Power - Some lame ass adventure star who has to have his face exposed through 3/4 of the movie. Hollwood paid for the face so they want to use it.  So Master Chief's helmet gets broken early and we get to see the expensive action meat pose and grimace.  (Think Stallone in Judge Dredd.)
• Toy Tie-In - The merchandising arm of the movie gets script changes to allow for a bunch of weapons and vehicles that can be nerfed in to kid-friendly junk that can be boxed up for Toys R Us.
• Music - Yeah, So-Cal is alla-bout the tunes. Fuck, this is one that could screw the pooch so bad. All we need is for the already awesome Halo soundtrack to be "fixed" by some fuck-up like Fiddy Sent or (shudder) Beyonce.
• Making the story more attractive to women. Let's get a love story in there between Cortana and Master Chief.  Or maybe a cute little dog...

The one ray of hope?  Bungie.  These guys have a take no prisoners attitude when it comes to protecting their stuff.  They've been part of Microsoft for years but maintain the same level of quality and dedication to their product that they've had since their rough beginnings.  Let Hollywood think about fucking with Halo.  They'll learn all about the beat-down award...

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